Xanadu

After much debate, I decided to watch Xanadu, the 1980 disco musical fantasy starring Olivia Newton-John, Gene Kelly, and that guy from the Warriors. It can't be that bad, I said to myself before turning it on. Electric Light Orchestra, one of my favorite bands from the 1970's, is doing the soundtrack. Well, two minutes in, Olivia Newton-John emerges from a mural and ELO starts screaming "I'M ALIVE!!!!". Women start coming out of the wall and holy shit, they're glowing like stars!!! It's crappy special effects but they're glowing like stars nonetheless! My jaw literally dropped and douche chills ran through my body. I knew at that instant I was watching one of the most breathtakingly stupid films I have ever seen. The film is about some whiny artist (who, in the looks department, is on par with Jackie Earle Haley and a step above Rocky Dennis, which is not far) who comes across some magical rolling-skating bitch (Olivia) who kisses him in the park and leaves a neon light trail behind her. She is actually a Greek muse (the daughter of Zeus she claims) who encourages him to partner up with Gene Kelly and rebuild some crappy auditorium and name it "Xanadu" (after a Samuel Coleridge poem, one of the few attempts to show that, yes, the filmmakers are smart and profound). I don't really know where to begin. The stiff, awkward acting. The special effects that make this movie look like a retarded light show. The corny dialogue between almost Rocky Dennis and has-been Gene Kelly. That awful musical sequence in the clothing store. Those distracting scene transitions. The awful chemistry between the two lovebirds. The fact that the world of the Greek Gods looks like the world of Tron. The awkward end credits where it just shows Sonny and doppelganger Olivia Newton-John talking (what can they possibly be saying to each other?). I can understand this film being pretty embarrassing for the actors involved, especially an old pro like Gene Kelly. I felt bad for Gene Kelly in this film, not his character, just him. It's uncomfortable to watch him in this. He's had a long prolific career and he gets this. Even the main guy (played by Michael Beck) had this heartbreaking quote, "The Warriors opened a lot of doors for me in film, which Xanadu then closed."  The film is stupid and corny with a schlocky message about dreams (which is always the go-to theme in uplifting films). However, I would be lying if I said I wasn't entertained! Yeah, it's bad but there's nothing to hate about it. It's campy 80's schlock which is what most hipsters will always use for retro t-shirts. It's ultimately harmless (unless your psyches with poor tolerances for bad film-making was affected by it). I'm not gonna lie but there are good things about this movie. The music is pretty good, considering the material it had to work with. I actually like that dance sequence with Gene Kelly and Olivia Newton-John, it's well choreographed and kinda sweet. Olivia Newton-John is nice to look at with that cute Australian accent (I don't know why people think Austrailian accents are obnoxious? They're the most adorable accents in the world!). It's poorly made, yes, but it's charming in it's badness. Not to sound like a pontificating douche bag but poorly made films that are entertaining are not bad, even if the intention of the filmmakers is way off. All in all, I recommend it if you got nothing else to do. Yeah, it's corny and stupid but I've seen worse.