Xanadu

After much debate, I decided to watch Xanadu, the 1980 disco musical fantasy starring Olivia Newton-John, Gene Kelly, and that guy from the Warriors. It can't be that bad, I said to myself before turning it on. Electric Light Orchestra, one of my favorite bands from the 1970's, is doing the soundtrack. Well, two minutes in, Olivia Newton-John emerges from a mural and ELO starts screaming "I'M ALIVE!!!!". Women start coming out of the wall and holy shit, they're glowing like stars!!! It's crappy special effects but they're glowing like stars nonetheless! My jaw literally dropped and douche chills ran through my body. I knew at that instant I was watching one of the most breathtakingly stupid films I have ever seen. The film is about some whiny artist (who, in the looks department, is on par with Jackie Earle Haley and a step above Rocky Dennis, which is not far) who comes across some magical rolling-skating bitch (Olivia) who kisses him in the park and leaves a neon light trail behind her. She is actually a Greek muse (the daughter of Zeus she claims) who encourages him to partner up with Gene Kelly and rebuild some crappy auditorium and name it "Xanadu" (after a Samuel Coleridge poem, one of the few attempts to show that, yes, the filmmakers are smart and profound). I don't really know where to begin. The stiff, awkward acting. The special effects that make this movie look like a retarded light show. The corny dialogue between almost Rocky Dennis and has-been Gene Kelly. That awful musical sequence in the clothing store. Those distracting scene transitions. The awful chemistry between the two lovebirds. The fact that the world of the Greek Gods looks like the world of Tron. The awkward end credits where it just shows Sonny and doppelganger Olivia Newton-John talking (what can they possibly be saying to each other?). I can understand this film being pretty embarrassing for the actors involved, especially an old pro like Gene Kelly. I felt bad for Gene Kelly in this film, not his character, just him. It's uncomfortable to watch him in this. He's had a long prolific career and he gets this. Even the main guy (played by Michael Beck) had this heartbreaking quote, "The Warriors opened a lot of doors for me in film, which Xanadu then closed."  The film is stupid and corny with a schlocky message about dreams (which is always the go-to theme in uplifting films). However, I would be lying if I said I wasn't entertained! Yeah, it's bad but there's nothing to hate about it. It's campy 80's schlock which is what most hipsters will always use for retro t-shirts. It's ultimately harmless (unless your psyches with poor tolerances for bad film-making was affected by it). I'm not gonna lie but there are good things about this movie. The music is pretty good, considering the material it had to work with. I actually like that dance sequence with Gene Kelly and Olivia Newton-John, it's well choreographed and kinda sweet. Olivia Newton-John is nice to look at with that cute Australian accent (I don't know why people think Austrailian accents are obnoxious? They're the most adorable accents in the world!). It's poorly made, yes, but it's charming in it's badness. Not to sound like a pontificating douche bag but poorly made films that are entertaining are not bad, even if the intention of the filmmakers is way off. All in all, I recommend it if you got nothing else to do. Yeah, it's corny and stupid but I've seen worse.

I guess I'll start with Birdemic....

I guess I'll start off with a pretty notorious film, Birdemic: Shock and Terror, a extremely low budget horror film. This film was, shockingly, streaming on Netflix. I decided to give it a go. Before seeing this film, I watched an internet critic named Phelous do a video review of the film (which I highly recommend, the review is actually funnier than the movie, perhaps funnier than this review). This film was pretty much what I expected it to be: it is horrendous. This premise is as simple as 1-2-3, good-looking super model meets good-looking super model, they fall in love, and get attacked by birds while pathetically delivering a piss-poor environmental message.  This film is not so much bad as technically and aesthetically inept. It's not really a film, it's just a waste of non-talent. Now, of course, there is that camp that says it is "so bad it's funny". Well, yes, I agree with that up to a point. When I first watched it, I chuckled, knowing that I was watching a train wreck (and not a beautiful one but an ugly, retarded one). What with it's terrible editing, poor sound quality, awkward wooden puppet acting, clip art special effects, and horrendous dialogue. But, the film gets extremely grating after awhile and even boring. It's badness is overwhelming to the point where I was just plain annoyed. I was doing my German homework when I watched this film and there are long stretches where, literally, nothing happens. I took the time during those large gaps of nothingness to work on my dative and genitive verb tenses without being distracted. I'll give credit where credit's due: it's very consistent in its terrible filmmaking. It's like being constantly hit in the head with a pipe. Geez, at least Troll 2 was trying to be a good film. Since there is a much better review of this film on Phelous.com, I'll stop bothering you. This first review was just a test of my writing and reviewing skills. If you like really bad films (which means you've probably already seen it), I guess I'll recommend it but a fair bit of warning, it gets to be too much after awhile. There's only so much badness one can take in one sitting. The elements that make the film so bad start to become tiring and repetitive. So that was my first movie review. Well, it technically wasn't a film but you get the point. Next time, I'm gonna start reviewing more mainstream films, I promise you. Low budget and exploitation films are way too easy targets, which is why I recommend the Cinema Snob for that. It's kinda pathetic when you start recommending better film reviewers other than your own. I suck. That's all for now.

First Post

I can't believe I just created a blog. This was very spur-of-the-moment. Well, what can I say, I love to watch movies and I like to express my opinions on them, even ones I hate. It would be boring to just post reviews of good films. It's just not necessary. Here are my top 5 favorite films: 1. Goodfellas---2. Jaws---3. A Clockwork Orange---4. Raging Bull---5. Field of Dreams. That's all you need to know. Maybe I'll post a review one day on why I love those films so much but you probably already know why they're great. I'm dedicating this blog to films that are bad (or at least what critics think are bad) or films that I just plain hate. I don't know why I'm doing this. Maybe cause I need an outlet. I'm probably bored, who knows. More to come....